#SingleShawty - The Truth About My Wait
I don't usually do this, and I don’t know if I'll ever do it again, but I'm going to be completely transparent about something that has been a real struggle for me for years.
I want to be a relationship. Like REALLY want to be in a relationship. I've never been in one, and every time I like someone I get hurt, but I can't seem to let go of my desire to be in one. It just grows every time. And it hurts like hell. Lately, it seems like my desire is getting stronger than I can emotionally handle and I don’t know how to cope anymore… which brings me here.
It's 2018. People love social media and it seems like everybody wants to be, has, or is #RelationshipGoals. I know I definitely have a few couples in mind that I just love to see and one day hope to be like. Thanks to Ella Mai (she could've kept that remix), everybody and their mama wants to be boo'd up. My reasons for wanting a boo aren't to be on social media all the time, take pictures with cute captions, be with them 25/8, get gifts, or always talk about how in love I am and how great My Mans is. All that stuff would be nice to a degree, but that's not what I want. I feel like I want what a lot of people want -- a genuine and deep connection with someone that's all about them, someone that deeply cares, someone to build with, someone to always want to do life with, someone that's going to be their confidant and partner in crime, someone to push them to be a better person, someone that's grateful to have them and show them off, someone to be deeply and madly in love with. It seems like a high demand with a hella low supply, and the supply that's around is already cuffed. Where's the disconnect? Because I can’t find it. All these people out here want something, and a lot of us can't seem to find it anywhere we look. It feels lowkey hopeless sometimes. Even though I've never had that person and at times it's hard to believe for myself, I really do feel like there is someone out there for everyone. Idk what's taking my someone so long to find me, but I know he's out there somewhere.
*Side note -- stop asking people why they're not (and in my case, haven't been) in a relationship! Unless you're seriously interested in building something, IT'S NUNYA DAMN BUSINESS!*
Being in college and wanting something so real isn't the easiest. Adding that to the fact that I don't believe in premarital sex makes it feel damn near impossible. I've heard "I really like you but…" and "I can get you to change your mind" and "I can't be with someone I can't f*ck" and things like that time and time again. It hurts to hear the same things over and over and not understand why. Even with the good guys, things don’t seem to go right. There's a hurt that is always there. No matter how I feel about myself and my appearance and who I am as a person. No matter what I know I have going for me. No matter if everything else in my life is going absolutely great. That pain always stays. Some days it doesn’t bother me at all. Some days it bothers me but it's bearable. Some days I just wanna cry. Some days I beg God to heal my hurts, fill my voids, and even take away my desire for love altogether, but the pain is always there. It's not an insecurity. It's just something I want badly. I know what you're thinking. It’s the same thing everybody says.
It will happen when it's supposed to.
If they can't see past it, then they're not the one for you.
You're not the problem.
You are good enough.
Maybe it's the guys you pick.
Maybe you just thought wrong.
They don't deserve you.
The right person will come along eventually.
Everything happens for a reason.
That's all fine and dandy, and most of the time I believe it. But when I'm having my moments that I'm really hurting, stuff like that just makes everything worse. It's true, but in the low moments it just sounds and feels so cliché. It's not comforting. It's just not helpful. Especially when it seems like I'm the last virgin and/or last single person out of the people I usually talk to. To me, it seems easy for you to say it'll happen when it's supposed to or the right guy is going to come -- you're already in a relationship with someone who's crazy about you. It's easy for you to say there's someone willing to wait with me -- you're not waiting anymore and you have already had sex. To me, it's just discouraging to feel like I'm alone and I have to deal with/figure this out on my own. Because that's honestly where I feel like I am. Alone, confused, and hurting.
My Wait is not easy.
First of all, guys act like me saying I'm not having sex is me saying I don’t want to have sex. FALSE. NOT TRUE. *inserts Kandi gif* THE LIES! THE LIES! THE LIES! I want to have sex just as much as you do, if not more, so miss me with the "you don’t understand because you've never done it before" BS. You didn't have to try crack to know crack is wack, so why do I have to do something to know it’s something I wanna do? Stop acting like I'm punishing you or making you squirm for my own satisfaction. This is hard for me too.
Then there's the whole issue with standards. I have high standards. I've lowered them and compromised them before, but I recently got my life back together and decided to bring them to where they need to be for me. Guys love to say they want a certain type of woman -- independent, carries herself a certain way, wants them but doesn’t need them, loyal, etc. -- but they don't want to meet the standard that woman requires. I'm not gonna toot my own horn too much because clearly I haven't been cuffed yet, but I know I'm all of those things. I'm giving myself the credit I deserve. I like to think I'm special, but I'm not asking for anything that I'm not willing to give myself. I hold myself to higher standards than I hold anyone else to, so I honestly don't understand why people have issues with high expectations. Again I know what you're going to say, If they don’t want to meet your standards, then they're not the one for you. I know this, but that doesn't make this any easier, especially when people say my standards are too high. This used to really bother me because it felt like people well trying to tell me I was stuck up or expecting too much, but I'm grateful for growth. I've finally gotten to a point where you can say what you want about my standards and that's okay because they're not yours and I'm not you. PSA: It seems like it would be common sense, but don't lower the standard. I've done it, more times than I should have, and it only hurt me in the long run.
One of the biggest reasons The Wait isn't easy for me is the unknown. Just a little background about me -- I don’t like not knowing and I have a slight control issue. I like having things planned out, making lists, and checking of boxes one by one. That's really beneficial in some areas of my life, but definitely not this one. I'm 100% aware of the fact that my life is not a movie and that I have no control over this, but not knowing is very hard for me to grasp and deal with. I don't know who my mans is, when he's coming, or why it's taking us so long to get to each other, so I'm just in the dark. I've been waiting for a very long time. I already said I've never been in a relationship, so Sir, please come on. A loving relationship is one of the things in my life that I feel like I'm only allowed to see for other people. I'm always on the sideline cheering them on, being happy for them, and watching/listening to them talk about how happy they are, all while patiently waiting for my chance. PUT ME IN COACH! The sideline is aggy. Some days it's frustrating. Some days it hurts like hell. Some days it feels like it's just meant to be like this. Looking back, I'm grateful I never got in a relationship with some of the people I thought I really wanted because I know it wouldn't have lasted. I've done a lot of introspection and working through my trust issues, insecurities, fears, and the other things I know I need to work on before getting in a relationship that is going to mean something. I'm doing my best to enjoy my singleness, and right now I can say I'm at peace with it. I've been more deliberate in focusing on myself and what I want, my peace, my joy, and the other things I have going on, and I'm a different person than I was a few months ago. The growth is great and I'm so grateful to God for it. It just kinda sucks to be in such a good place with myself and still not know why things have never worked, why I constantly get hurt, and if or when love is coming. I just try to constantly remind myself that I have to trust God's timing and His process because He made me how I am for a reason. There's a reason why my heart is so big and why I crave a love so deep. I don't know or understand why I'm like this, but I know there's a reason. I know I want a special kind of love and special things take time, even though I don't know how much time that is or how long I'll be waiting.
Okay so let's wrap it up *insert Migos gif* . That was a lot more than I thought I was going to say and more transparent than I thought I'd be, but it felt good to get it out. Hopefully something I said was able to help someone, or at least slightly amuse you. If not, oh well and sorry to waste your time. My Wait is just very important to me and I know it's important to other people too. It comforts me to know I'm not alone and I just wanted to be that comfort for someone else. We all need a support system sometimes. I like to listen to Forward City Church's podcasts because it seems like there is ALWAYS something applicable to where I am/how I'm feeling. I have a playlist I listen to that helps me keep my peace and give my hurts back to God. And just to relate it to another person I know of, Yvonne Orji (Molly from "Insecure") has a TED Talk called "The Wait is Sexy" that I listen to when I need a boost but don’t want to talk to other people about it. If I'm honest, this isn't something I like to talk about often because it's a weak spot and I feel like if I was transparent then people would think I was a weak person or see me differently, but I'm just in a place now where I'm starting to care less about what people think and more about unapologetically living my best life.
And I want the same for you.
Live life. Be great. Flourish.