five.

original post date - august 25, 2018 #Stuck - In My Bag or In the Mud? ​I just finished my first week of my junior year of college and I'm honestly tired. My summer was great, and I just saw the Queen Bey herself live, and now I feel so blah. I have no idea why, but I've been doing a lot of thinking this week and I already feel stuck. Is it too early in the year to feel stagnant? I have some pretty big dreams, so I know it's gonna take me a lot to get there, but I feel like I'm not doing ANYTHING. It's like I look around and see all these young people who are running businesses or starting to build empires, and I'm in school trying to figure out how to make sure I'm doing what I wanna do when I graduate from here. I'm seeing people take trips to places with their friends and I'm taking trips to Walmart by myself. I'm seeing people going to dinners with their boos and just chill, and I'm having issues deciding what I wanna watch while I eat my microwave lasagna. I have friends traveling to different countries and I'm traveling from Twitter to Instagram to Snapchat to Facebook to GroupMe. GroupMe y'all, that's how dry my phone is. I'm checking GroupMe for entertainment. I just feel bleh. I feel like I'm watching people make moves and move up and I'm already plateauing. Like I said earlier, my summer was great. My internship was everything I needed and more. I secured a nice lil check, met and established relationship with some great people, and I got the push I needed toward where I see myself. I no longer have the feelings of otherness I have when I'm in scientific or medical arenas. I got better mentally and emotionally, which I've talked about in other posts. I'm more comfortable with myself all around. I'm just excited about where my life is going, even though this part of the journey doesn’t feel too great. I had some great experiences, but now I feel like I'm coming down from that high. Last year when I got back to campus, I came in thinking sophomore year was going to be year that everything was going to fall into place. I was ready for my life to finally turn into what I wanted, and by the end of last school year I was over it. Last year was just hard for me emotionally. First semester went downhill pretty slowly, but by second semester it felt like everything that could go wrong did. Yeah, I secured my 4.0 for the year and a great internship, but it felt like that was all I had to hold on to. That being said, I didn't really want to come into this year with those same high expectations because I don't want to chance feeling that heartbroken if things don't work out again. And that is very unlike me. It's so hard for me to genuinely want to give up on some things and not want to have crazy high expectations for my year. I don’t know, I just feel different. I'm definitely still in a better place, but I'm still trying to heal from some hurt and stop comparing myself to others, so I just don't want to feel like I'm setting myself up to fail again. I'm working to let go of the fairytale I had in my head of how my life would be, but I can't seem to find the happy medium between unrealistically high expectations and no expectations. I feel stuck. I don’t wanna give up on anything, but I already can't seem to get a definite plan. If you know me, then you know I love to plan. I don’t know how I'm going to balance working for A's in my classes with studying for my MCAT, getting my life together for after graduation, not going broke, and still trying to enjoy the time I have left in undergrad. I don't want to look back on my undergrad experience and feel like I didn't enjoy it or feel like I was always stressed out. ANYWHO… I hope y'all are doing good with where y'all are in your life right now. I'm gonna work on doing what I need to do to feel like I'm in my bag and not in the mud, and I hope you can do the same. I'm hoping this is just a slump, but I'm gonna get out of it and this is gonna be a good year. Be selfish. Do what you need to do to get where you want to be. I'm still rooting for you. Live life. Be great. Flourish.

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