nine.

original post date - november 7, 2018 #MirrorMissy - My Own Worst Critic

​I don't know what may be going on in your life, but I want to let you know you're going to make it. Things may not be perfect at this moment, but one day it's all going to be worth it. You're stronger than you think you are. You have a light in you that someone out there needs to see. Don't dim it. I know there are times where life feels like an uphill battle. I'm going through it right now. Sometimes it feels like its gonna get worse before it gets better, but IT IS GOING TO GET BETTER. It's exhausting in every sense of the word, but it's a fight that you have to keep fighting every single day. If you don’t fight for anything else, you have to fight for yourself. You are worth it. No matter how much you feel like you aren't or how much you doubt yourself, you are most definitely worth it. You have to lift yourself up and speak into yourself, even if you don't believe it. Trust me, my confidence has been in a pretty low spot for a while now and it's a lot work to try to get up out of that, even though it feels like I'm failing. People say that confidence is key and right now I feel like the door is LOCKEDT. It's like no matter what, I find myself talking down on myself or comparing myself to someone who I feel is prettier or has a better body or more clout or more confidence, and I end up feeling worse about who I am. It’s bad. Sometimes I just crave the feeling of wanting to be the girl that other girls wanna be and guys wanna be with, and that is never satisfied. I hate it. I have times where I feel great about myself, but it’s gotten to a point where I feel blah and maybe average at best.

​It's gotten to a point where I basically feel like I'm Mirror Missy from "Big Mouth". At times I feel like I'm never gonna get to where I want with my confidence. Some days it feels like I can never do anything right. Some days I feel straight up hideous. My loneliness is back, trying to get like TLC and creep its way back in my life and get comfortable. Things were going so much better without it, but BOOM. It's back reminding me how nothing as ever worked out for me romantically but parts of me still want to be with and love somebody after all this time. At times it feels like the guys I've wanted and could see myself in meaningful relationships with have all wanted someone who I've seen as "better" than me in different ways, or they just didn’t want me at all. I thought I was working through it, but some of my same feelings of wanting to be with somebody and getting somewhat sad when I see the types of relationship I'd like to have are coming back. I still have days where I feel like I'm not good enough or like I'm not worth the things I want out of life. I'm just super critical of myself ALL THE TIME about EVERYTHING and that coupled with my sense of perfectionism has really been taking a toll on me mentally and emotionally. It's almost like a reflex that I can't stop doing. I beat myself up and say negative things to and about myself before I even realize it, and then when I do catch it, it feels like it's too late because parts of me already believe the bad things I said. When I try to reward myself for something, I feel like I don't deserve it, even if friends will say I do. I try to boost myself and speak positive about my looks, and it seems like everything I'm not liking just gets magnified. Even when people compliment me or try to reassure me that I'm still pretty. I appreciate it and want to believe it, but there are parts of me that just won't. I just don't know what it is. Between me trying to have 4.0 SZN pt. 3, prepping for my MCAT, trying to get my money up, and just dealing with life as whole right now, sis is tired. Sis is strong, but sis is TIRED. Searching for motivation to keep going every day gets hard, but I haven't given up yet, and I hope you don't either. I just have to remind myself that my purpose isn't about me and there are people out here who need me. I can't be good for anyone else if I'm not good for myself, so I need to keep myself my first priority and keep fighting for myself and my peace of mind. I didn’t intend for this post to be too long. Part of me just needed to get some things off my mind, and me journaling about it didn't do it for me. I was supposed to blog last week, but I was feeling really down about everything so I gave myself a break. I did go talk to a professional and it helped some, so that’s progress, but I'll still see where it goes in the future. I'm starting to feel a tad optimistic and like things may turn around for the better soon, but I'm now 100% sure right now. All I can do is hope for the best. As I type this, I'm 11 days away from my 21st birthday. This is the first birthday I've been genuinely excited for in a few years and the fact that I have more friends to actually celebrate with this year means so much to me. That being said, the birthday blog will come out on my birthday, which is November 18th, so be on the lookout. In the meantime between-time, catch up on some previous posts, tell your friends to tell their friends to check it out, and keep doin' you no matter what happens or what anybody says about it. Live life. Be great. Flourish.

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