check-up | december 5

original post date - december 5, 2019

Well it hasn't been three months since I've checked in, but not too much has changed on the application process side of things. I'm still working on supplementals and I hope to have all of them finished by this time next week. This process is still very frustrating for me for a number of reasons. The first is money. I feel like there is no reason for these applications to cost what they cost, and honestly, getting the money together is part of why it's taking so long to finish. On top of what I paid for the AMCAS application, I'm having to shell out another couple hundred dollars for secondaries. This money seriously doesn't appear fast enough. The financial side of this is a complete scam and I'm just hoping it pays off in the next couple of months.

Aside from the money, I just have a lot going on in my personal life that I honestly wasn't prepared for. The semester is finally coming to a close and I'm prepping for the break that's coming. Trying to stay balanced has been a struggle for me all semester. And it hasn't gotten any easier. Trying to find the balance between staying on top of my to-do list and taking care of myself and keeping my mental health afloat feels almost impossible. I feel like I have zero energy to put anything good into the world, so of course I'd rather lay in bed then feel like I'm filling out applications in a trash headspace. For the first time in my undergraduate career, I have a pretty light finals week, so I'm planning to use this time to rest and work through the rest of these applications.

The primary reason I've having so much trouble (outside of time, balance, and money) is my own anxiety. It's not as bad as it was when I was studying for the MCAT, but it's still there. I've been doubting myself and my ability to actually be successful in this process more and more every day. It's hard. And it's even harder to try to not talk about it. I don't want to bring anybody down or feel like I'm always being negative, so I mostly try to deal with this on my own. I'm not doing it well. It's like I have these moments where I feel like I can actually do this and that I'm not wasting my time or money, only for my own brain to come and knock me off of that high. And I can honestly say the one thing that keeps bringing me back down is my MCAT score. It's like I know that a lot of schools do a holistic application review and that I'm more than my score, but it's like that number just keeps glaring me in the face. I'm fighting this anxiety the best I can and trying to encourage myself, but it's hard y'all. I know I have people in my corner rooting for me and of course I'm rooting for myself, but this process is not for the faint of heart. Aside from disappointing the people who support and look up to me, I'm afraid of disappointing myself and falling short of a goal that I've had for at least the last 15 years of my life.

I'm just going to keep putting my best foot forward and pray all of this ends the way it's supposed to. I just have to do my best and let God do the rest. That's really all I can do right now. I'll be back for another check-in after all my apps are done. See y'all later!

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