check-up | june 13

original post date - june 13, 2019

okay, well I'm a month out from taking my MCAT and my anxiety is up honey. i'm about halfway through my study plan, and it has not been easy. i got behind because i did a little traveling with family, and i beat myself up about it for a while. i'll admit, i've almost been driven to tears a few times since this started. i've been feeling like i can't do this. i am scared. talking to family and friends doesn't seem to cut it and i get frustrated because it feels like they just don't get it. there are plenty of times where i feel alone in this mammoth task i'm trying to achieve. a few of my friends have decided on gap years, or I have others who want to go to med school but aren't taking the same approach to studying as me. i honestly feel like i have one accountability partner in this process, and i am SO grateful for her. we're not together for the summer because we're doing our own things, but we talk a few times a week, if not every day. we encourage each other and check in to make sure we're on track, and that is important. speaking of summer, i'm feeling QUITE overwhelmed right now. these two summer classes, working in the lab, AND studying for this damn test has a bih TIDE. i've started working out again, but i hurt my back so i had to take a week off. i don't sleep as well as i'd like because i'm always thinking about something. like this is no joke. i knew i was gonna be busy that i didn't even bring my tv down here with me for the six weeks that i'm here. i've decided to go on a social media hiatus (outside of promotion for different things) so that i can focus more on myself during this time, stop comparing myself to other people, and not be as easily distracted. i'm also working on getting myself in a new routine and starting to put my phone on DND at 7 PM. yeah. it's THAT deep.

as of last thursday, i'm officially registered for the test and i feel more pressure to succeed than i did before. that's $315 and seven and a half hours that are gonna be part of what determines whether or not i get into med school. as soon as i hit submit to confirm my registration, my heart rate shot up and i got hot as hell. i know i'm more than my score and that I'm well-rounded, but what I need is for people to understand that even though i know that, i still need a really good score to get my foot in the door for an interview. don't let what you see fool you. i may seem like i have it all together, but i absolutely, positively, DO NOT have it all figured out. i don't know why some people still insist that i do when i swear up and down that i don't, but that's above me. i'm really just out here doing my best to get to where i wanna be. dassit, dassall. i'm not gonna lie to y'all and say i feel confident right now because i don't. i haven't been feeling the best mentally and emotionally, and that makes my studying even harder than it already is. this is no joke. i tried getting a diffuser and some essential oils, but that shit broke as soon as i tried it out. i was pissed, but i'm gonna take it back to tj maxx and hopefully get one that actually works. i'll let y'all know if that helps, because i truly think it will help with my stress and anxiety. check back in a few weeks.

i've posted some things about how i have been feeling on my close friends IG story, and i'm so grateful for the people on there who reach out to me to let me know they support me. i actually found myself tearing up once or twice because i've received encouragement from people i don't talk to very often and i didn't really think people were paying me much attention. it really means the world to me. sometimes i don't know how to respond to it because i'm honestly not used to it, but i really, REALLY appreciate it. please encourage other people you know applying to med school and grad school and chasing dreams in general because we need it.

i'm writing this post now while i should be studying, so i'm gonna wrap it up. i take it a day at a time because that's all i can do. i adjust when necessary and keep it pushing. thanks for reading, and hopefully my next post is a check-in and not a check-up. see y'all later.

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