grown folks' business.

This post might be a little different than some of my others. Some of you might feel this is a little NSFW or safe for WFH, but I’m hoping you all think it’s real. February is sometimes referred to as the month of love because of Valentine’s Day, and I wanted to talk about a conflict I’ve been dealing with for some time now and how it relates to my self-love.

Now this conflict isn’t a new one for me, but it became way more apparent once I started living on my own and had the space to play by my own rules. I’ve had more time to think about who I am, what I want, and what I need to do to get there. I’ve been able to grow in my relationship with God and my relationship with myself, but I keep coming back to the same question.

How do I balance my spirituality with my sensuality/sexuality?

I guess the better question would be CAN I balance these things? I love God and want to be closer to Him, but I also know I am naturally a sensual person. Growing up in a Black Christian household, I was made to believe these things were basically opposite. One was of God. One was not. One was something to be celebrated. One was something to be “dealt with”. One was beautiful. One was something that had shame attached to it.

Well, I don’t want to be ashamed of my body and my sensuality and sexuality anymore. I’ve been sexually assaulted several times and lived most of my life very self-conscious and insecure my body. I’ve been doing the work to overcome some of these struggles, and I’m in a place where I want to own myself fully. Overcoming sexual trauma and lifelong insecurity are no easy feat, but what’s next? For the longest time, and even at times now, I absolutely hate my sensuality and my desire to feel sexy. Is it possible to be spiritual, sensual, and sexual all at the same time without being a hypocrite? I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I know for a fact I wouldn’t feel like this if I was married. For most of my life, it seems like marriage is the only place where wanting to own that part of myself is allowed.

Newsflash – I’m still very single. Not married. Not engaged. Not in a relationship. Not packing spennanight bags. Not saving numbers. Not texting anybody. Nunnathet. So what am I supposed to do? Sit around and wait? Beat myself up? Continue to hate parts of myself? I think tf not.

All three of those options are counterintuitive to my self-love journey and becoming the whole woman I want to be. In order for me to truly be whole, I have to accept all parts of myself where I am and continue to work on the things I want to improve. Throughout my walk with Big G, I’ve learned that He made me the way I am for a reason, even if I don’t know what that reason is. Hating parts of myself is hating the work that He did, so clearly that isn’t the right thing for me to do. Neither is beating myself up for it. I am also passed the point of sitting around and waiting on a man to come change my circumstances.

Like many Black women before me, I decided that if I want to go on the quest the right way and be treated the way I want, I’m gonna have to do it myself. In learning to love myself, I have decided to employ my love languages on my own instead of waiting on a man to come along and do it for me. Mine are quality time and physical touch. So how exactly do I do this? Spending time alone, enjoying the quiet, bubble baths, sugar scrubs exfoliations, sleeping on fresh satin sheets, and eh hem… masturbating. I told y’all I’m naturally sensual and sexual, and that doesn’t turn off just because I don’t have a man. It took me a while to get to this point, but I view this as a physical manifestation of my self-love, which (based off of my love languages) I need in order to feel my best and most confident. I used to be so opposed to masturbating it didn’t make any sense. I didn’t understand the purpose and I didn’t think it would feel as real for me as being with a warm body. Well let me tell y’all something. This “me time” has never disappointed and has saved me from making many a bad decision with somebody’s son. IYKYK.

This has been one of the hardest parts of my sensuality and sexuality for me to own, for obvious reasons. My spiritual relationship has been the largest. This is something I’m actively working on every day and plan to work through with my therapist. Black women’s bodies, sexuality, and pure beauty has been something that has been used to please and satisfy everyone in history but us. This is a power I want to take back for myself and really OWN. I’m trying to be on my Chloe Bailey vibe if you’re pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down.

One of my biggest personal goals for this year is to own my sensuality and sexuality without being ashamed of them. I’ve hated this part of myself for too long. I just need to figure out what this means for my walk with Big G. This probably won’t be the last time I talk about this on the blog, but I want you to know that if you deal with a similar conflict, YOU’RE NOT ALONE. I’m right here with you. We’ll figure this out. Wholeness is ours to claim.

This was my second attempt at writing this post, and I’m still not entirely sure how I’m feeling about it. I wanted to be real and honest, but the internal struggle has been brought to the forefront of my mind yet again. I hope that y’all see my vulnerability in writing this, as it’s not something I talk about often. It’s a touchy subject for me for a lot of reasons, but you can’t heal something you don’t acknowledge, so I’m hoping writing this will get me another step closer to that healing.

To wrap up this post, I want to share some info with you. I’m partnering with my good sis Adia from Dialosophy for a giveaway. We’re both big on self-love and since February is the month of love, we’re giving away one (1) Vesper Necklace by Crave. Adia will have more details about the product on her on her blog's Instagram page, but the criteria to enter this giveaway are as follows:

  • You must like the post with the flyer. I’ll link it here.

  • You must be following @adiarlouden, @dialosophy, @brenab__, and @brenasbreakthroughs on Instagram

  • Tag somebody in the comments of the post.

  • Multiple comments = multiple entries.

The winner will be announced on February 7th and the prize will be shipped directly to that person. Best of luck to you!

See y’all next time.

- Brena.

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