original post date - september 25, 2018 #Refill - No More Empty Cups
I'm late on this post. This may not bother y'all and y'all may not have noticed, but I'm still sorry y'all. It's been a long week. Lately I've been feeling pretty drained and I haven't felt like myself in a minute, and to tell you the truth I don't really know why. I mean school is really taking a lot out of me this year, and even though it's more than what I was expecting, I was still expecting it. I did my best to prep and I try to be proactive, but between the hurrication and the conference I was at, I haven't had time to just take time for myself without being worried about everything I have to do. When I get in these spaces, I often find that my confidence in how I look also starts to dip. I’m noticing that my brain is wanting to slip into old ways of doing things and I'm getting slightly discouraged in my efforts to better myself. External situations aren't really changing and looking how I want yet, and right now I'm struggling with not internalizing my frustrations about that. In spite of all that, I'm still happy. Even though I've been having some confidence dips, I still like myself. I'm starting to like myself more and compare myself to others less. My money FINALLY got right and I was able to do some things for myself. AAANNNNNDDDDDD I finally feel like I'm making progress in getting over the guy I talked about in my last post. I'm just gonna take a moment to celebrate that because I thought it would take a few more months for me to get here. I stopped beating myself up over someone else's ain't-shit actions, accepted that I gotta let this be what it is, and I've been feeling great. That's all I'm gonna say about that. I'm doing good. Not where I wanna be yet, but way better than I was in my last post. I'm also the type of person that is always thinking about what my next moves are, and lately that's been in overdrive. Trying to get my life together for taking the MCAT and applying to medical school is slightly mentally exhausting. I have big dreams, so I know that big dreams = long to-do lists. There are just so many things I wanna do and I want to do all that I can to get to the version of myself that I see when I close my eyes. I don't wanna burn out, but I know there's a light in me that's supposed to shine bright. I wanted this post to be about taking the time to refill yourself and get refilled from your source, but right now I'm struggling to do this for myself. I've been feeling like I have to choose between my to-do list and my needs, and my to-do list has been having a long winning streak. I've been wanting to take a break from social media and people and take time to be alone for a while, but I don't want to isolate myself or push people away. I don’t want anyone to think anything is wrong or that I'm acting funny. I'm just in a place where I'm not feeling like Sebrena. I don't really know what to do. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and I don't know what changed. It seems like everyone is on the self-care wave now, and there's nothing wrong with that, but I don't feel like I'm doing it right. I'm reading posts, and trying to figure out how to implement new things, but I'm still in this little rut. As I'm typing this, I'm on day 117 of the self-care and self-love journey I embarked on over the summer. I had to start with basics like making sure I was eating 2-3 times a day and trying to establish a regular sleeping pattern. Then I added the working out. Then I started this blog as an outlet for the things that swim around in my head. When it comes to the things I don't wanna put on the interwebs, I try to talk to friends or write them out. Now I just feel like my brain is congested, I haven't had time to work out the way I was, I'm tired of talking about the same things, my sleep comes when it wants to and isn't always good sleep. I don't understand how I'm not feeling like myself or at my prime when nothing happened. I'm still doing my best to keep enjoying life, but it’s been feeling like more of a chore. I just need a refill, but not the Elle Varner kind. My cup is feeling real empty, and I don’t know where everything is going or who's pouring into me. Something just isn't lining up correctly. With all of that being said, I'm going to sit down and figure out what's going on and how to get to where I want. I need to take some time to put myself first and do more besides treat myself to some retail therapy. It's time to figure out how to get my cup full again so I can get to the best version of me. In the meantime between time, I want y'all to be taking care of yourselves as well. Make sure you're taking the time you need for yourself. Make yourself a priority. Learn that "No." is a complete sentence and don't feel the need to have to explain yourself to everyone. Protect your peace. Give yourself what you need and don’t give it all away to other people. Make sure your cup is staying full. Y'all be blessed. Live life. Be great. Flourish.