original post date - september 8, 2018
#BitterAndBougie - Healing While Hurting
I just wanna be in a beautiful, happy, and healthy relationship with somebody's son, but it remains out of my reach. In this post, I talk about a hurt I was dealing with and trying to properly heal in the process.
Let me just start this post off with a disclaimer. This post might be hella short. Or it might be hella long. I've been struggling all week trying to figure out what I wanted to write about for this post, so read at your own risk. There are some things I feel like I need to get out, but I'm struggling with just how much I want to share. So I'm just gonna vent.
These last few weeks have been hard for me emotionally and right now, things don't seem like they're going to be looking up anytime soon. If you read my last post (shameless plug - go read it), then you know I've been feeling stuck. That hasn't really changed in the last two weeks. I'm still continuing to push to get out of it, but some things are harder for me to deal with right now. I also mentioned wanting to give up on some things, and one of those things is love. I don’t wanna give up on it totally, but I just don't feel like it's gonna happen for me while I'm still at 400 Mag. I know, I can't give up and there is someone out there for me. I don't know what the future holds. Both statements are very true but a bih is TIRED. I'm just over this right now. The same things seem to continue to happen, and at this point I'm too close and too focused on getting my name on a publication and claiming a seat in somebody's medical school to be worried about trying to be vulnerable and build something serious with somebody completely new. And y'all got me bent if you think I'm gonna factor a relationship in to my decision about where I'm going when I leave here. I just feel like I'm closer to the end than the beginning at this point, so if it was gonna happen for me than it should have already. Sometimes the thought of opening up and letting someone in again upsets me. Sometimes I get sad. Sometimes it makes me feel stupid. And sometimes I just get straight up disgusted with the male population.
I'm very aware that I might sound like Bitter Brena to some of y'all and that's fine with me. I could be wrong about all of this and my mans could be right around the corner looking for me, but I'm hurt so I'm gonna talk about it to whoever is willing to read.
One thing I can't stand is being in my feelings over a dude. I'm fine with being stressed about money or grades or whatever else, but being sad about a dude that doesn't care makes me more upset with myself than almost anything. I overthink like it's an Olympic sport. If it's a pool, then I'm Michael Phelps in that bih. Collecting medals left and right. That, coupled with the music I tend to listen to plus the fact that I finally have my own room has me wanting to be boo'd up, laid up, and bae'd up all the time. I know it's normal, but damn. I don’t have time to be wanting a mans all the time. I have things to do and life goes on, with or without me and my feelings.
Anyways, since my phone is dry and y'all never ask me questions when I do the little thing on Instagram, I often find myself trying to analyze my most recent attempt at getting cuffed and how I feel about it now. It still hurts. A lot. Every day. Sometimes it's the last thing I think about before I go to sleep and one of the first things I think about when I start my day. Thanks to a conversation I had with a friend, I recently realized that I didn’t start trying to heal the right way when I started working to a few months ago. This all happened over the summer, so I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and wait until school started back up. I'd liked him for a while and we had always been friends so I was just trying to wait until the time was right before I tried to shoot my shot. He was always respectful and I hadn't really seen any red flags up until this point. Things were starting to go great and I thought I was finally about to be in my first relationship. Whew chile, the fantasy. Out of nowhere, I get ghosted and then we have a "conversation" and he said he needed "time". At the time I was hella confused and just trying to wait it out. Even though it hurt me to feel like he flipped the switch on me like my man Drake, I still had some hope that when he said he needed time to figure things out that he was gonna realize that I was what he wanted and we'd start working on building something real.
I was quite wrong, and it wasn't until I got back here that I realized 1) I needed to let go of the fairy tale I thought my first real love would be like and 2) I needed to let go of the person I thought this young man was and how we would be together. When I let go of the idea I had about who he was, I started putting 2 and 2 together and got 4 instead of 1.5. Boy did I need that. I've stopped blaming myself and thinking I did something wrong, which is what I usually do. I've done my best to remove that fairy tale-like hope and see the situation for what it is. In the midst of my hurt, I started reprocessing things and I've reached a few of my own conclusions.
Nah, I'm just kidding. Well… a little. Now I'm just grateful that now I can work on healing the right way and in a way that'll stick. If you've read some of my previous posts, then you know I've talked about the growth I've seen in myself over the last few months. One of the ways I've seen myself grow is how I respond when I'm hurt by someone I like and want to be with. Instead of trying to get over one guy by distracting myself with another, I'm taking a break from everybody and doing what I need to do to actually heal. I'm doing work on myself, spending more time and building relationship with my friends, and focusing on my future because I know that even though I'm hurting a lot now, I won't always feel like this. Healing while hurting is hard. Some days I feel like I'm living my best life and not going back and forth with anybody, but other days I just feel bitter and bougie. I just have to keep reminding myself to wait, trust my healing process, and take it one day at a time. Even though there are times I get REALLY tired of waiting (like this entire week tbh), I'd rather wait a while for my right person than ride the same emotional rollercoaster with multiple wrong people.
Today marks my 100th day of the self-care/self-love journey I've been on and I can honestly say I see a difference. I've learned that sometimes I have to be the boost that I need from other people and that's okay. I'm still working on the self-depreciating jokes, but I'm not as bad as I once was. When I need to, I take the time to sit, withdraw from everyone, and regroup, even though there are still times where I struggle with letting myself feel my feelings. Even though I still have a ways to go, I know that every day is one day closer to the woman I see myself being and I'm not gonna give that up for anybody.
The most important thing I've learned so far is that you have to love yourself first. You deserve to and there's no reason you shouldn’t. Treat yourself when necessary, but surround yourself with people that will check you when you need it. Trust me, it helps. Go forward every new day in pursuit of being your best self. The rest of us need it and so do you. I'm still rooting for you.
Live life. Be great. Flourish.