original post date - october 13, 2019
#HonestyHour - Confessions of a Graduating Senior
Senior year of undergrad, much like college and adulting, is a scam. It can be fun, but it's also a challenge. In this post, I really just vent about a few of the things on my mind right now.
I'm gonna be honest. After my last post, I thought I was in a better place but it has become apparent to me that I'm not. I don't even know what's going on honestly. Right now, I'm just here to vent. Idk why, but journaling hasn’t helped and I don't wanna talk to about it in person, so here I am. Airing it out on the internet. I still plan to keep some details private because I'm not ready to and/or just don't want to share them yet, but for the most part I don't feel like I'm alone in my general feelings.
This chapter has been a difficult one for me so far. I don't know if anyone else can relate but I feel like I'm in a haze. I feel lost, confused, constantly stressed, and all over the place. I don’t know what's going on. Because of this, my mind hasn't felt clear at all, and I haven't even been in the place to write. That's why these posts seem so spaced out. Life is just happening and I feel like I need to get a good handle on it and learn how to manage before I can even begin to write something for other people to be reading.
On one hand, I'm excited about what this year represents and that this chapter is about to come to a close, but on the other hand I'm scared out of my mind. It's like everything I've been preparing for the last couple of years is finally approaching and I don't know how to handle it. I always say I'm ready to graduate and I want my degrees ASAP, but on the flip side, parts of me are genuinely terrified of what is going to happen in the next 6 months. And the worst part of it is nothing anybody says, not my family, my friends, or other people who support me, takes that fear away.
This is the first semester that my actual courseload is not stressing me out. But you know what is? QUESTIONS. Especially the ones I don't know the answer to or don't wanna answer. Like I have the feeling that most people mean well, but sometimes it feels intrusive and I just want the space to answer the questions when I'm good and ready. Newsflash. I'm nowhere near good and ready. Sometimes I wish I could just tell people I'm on a "don't ask, don't tell, if I want you to know then you will know" kind of vibe without feeling like I'm being rude. But really. Some of these questions don't make any sense to me, and most of the time I don't know if it's because people don't know the process behind what I'm trying to do or if they're just being nosey. How can I possibly know what med school I'm going to, or even IF I'm gonna get into med school this application cycle, when I don't even know what I'm eating for dinner tonight? People asking questions I have no idea how to answer just stresses me out more than I already am because I already have a whole list of questions I'm asking myself on a daily basis, mostly centered around my ability to even accomplish the things I've been working toward basically my whole life. Please, for the sake of my sanity, chill on the questions. I might implode one of these days.
I've been doubting myself more than I ever have. Fear has led me to having to rearrange my own plans. Sometimes stress and the constant headaches I have as a result makes it feel almost impossible to make it through a day and be productive. I feel like I'm letting myself down and the doubt cycle continues. I question if I've actually done enough to achieve these goals that I have, or if I'm setting myself up for disappointment. It seems like people around me believe in me more than I do, and sometimes I don't know if I'm being cynical or if they're just really optimistic. It's like no matter how much I try to affirm myself or put myself in better spirits, I consistently feel defeated and it's gotten to a point where it just feels embarrassing.
Outside of that, I've also been feeling differently in my relationships with people in general. Making friends has never been something I'd say is easy for me. A lot of times I feel like I'm adjacent, unwanted, bothering people, and just being tolerated. Nobody in my life has done anything to really make me feel like this. I just feel like I'm one of those "out of sight, out of mind" things and I've been out of sight lately because I've been trying to get my life together. I'm so grateful for the people who check on me to see how I'm really doing. I feel like a lot of people see me from the outside in terms of how I dress, how I always seem to be doing something, and me talking about different things, and they've formed an idea of me that isn't entirely accurate. I wouldn't say that I'm being fake or putting on a front or anything like that. I'm just not in a place to feel super vulnerable with people right now. I don't want to feel like a burden, so there are a lot of things that I try to keep kinda lowkey. Everybody doesn't need to know everything, but on the other side of that, it feels like people assume I'm doing great and that I'm put together instead of just asking me how I'm actually doing. I know the idea that other people form of me isn't my responsibility, but it's like as real as I try to be with people sometimes, it's like they invalidate how I'm feeling about myself right now and I don't get it. Like I said, I know there are people who mean well, but at the same time, sometimes I just want and need someone to listen (even though I feel like I'd be a burden if I unloaded everything on to one person - I just don’t want to feel like I'm draining to the people who care about me).
I feel like I'm working so hard to secure a long-term future and improve my short-term future that I'm not enjoying my now. Or when I do try to enjoy now, I feel guilty. Even resting has made me feel guilty. For example, right now, I'm on Fall Break and I need to be taking a BREAK, but all I can think about is everything I need to get done. If I'm resting I feel like I'm blowing off something important, and when I'm working, I feel like I'm ignoring my needs. Balance. I need balance, but balance is work. I'm doing my best to boss up all-around, but it seems the more I have going on or the more I'm trying to handle in other areas, the less energy and time I have left to give to myself. I'm still working on it, but I will honestly say that I'm not exactly sure how to fix it just yet.
I don't have a cute way to wrap up this post. I told y'all I just came here to vent, and I think I've reached my limit on what I wanted to say. I'm going to encourage myself as I continue to encourage other people. I hope that me sharing some of where my head is right now helped somebody to feel less alone in where they are. I will say I do feel a little lighter after writing this, but I know I still have a lot to work through before I'm in the headspace where I want to be. Every day isn't a bad day, so I'm going to do more to make sure I'm appreciative of the good days when they come and doing what I need to do when I feel myself getting low again. I hope y'all do the same. I don't know when I'll be back with another post or what it'll be about, but until then, y'all already know the deal. Live life. Be great. Flourish.